The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I think I am morally bankrupt
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
