Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
