I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
