Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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