So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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