the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
