Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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