She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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