remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
