i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize