My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
