i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
