If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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