ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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