I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My vagina is officially offended.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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