Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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