when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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