so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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