Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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