I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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