is your mom at the bar?
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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