so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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