when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize