I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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