My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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