So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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