I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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