If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
