dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
