i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
