if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
