you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
