i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
