the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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