Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
