Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
