I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
