just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I intend to get homeless drunk
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
