I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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