every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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