Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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