well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
