I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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