Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
