Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
How does one acquire holy water?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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