I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
