I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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