so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I puked a lego.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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