I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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