I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
