tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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