I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
