so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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