Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
