dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
