I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
