I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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