I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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