I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
