i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
