I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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