I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
