Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
